It is here! Finally, tomorrow will be the day I’ve waited for now, for ten years. Since my little boy was taken from me, I’ve waited for this day. He turns 18. He becomes an adult. Emancipated from the woman who has held him hostage from me, alienated him from me, and stolen ten years from us that can never be replaced. Tomorrow, a young man comes back to me, where a boy was taken. I will not get my little boy back, but an older version, a stranger with a past, with a bond that needs to be revisited, as it is apparent that years of anger, hatred and parental alienation has taken somewhat of a toll. Though I have faith it won’t be too long before it is rebuilt stronger than before! While this wretched woman took ten years from us, we have the rest of our lives together. I am so grateful to have that chance, that my child is still alive, and well, and able to come home to me. As traumatic and horrible as it was for what we went through, I do have that blessing, and I am so grateful. Without it, I doubt I would have made it. I can’t believe I made it. It seems like yesterday when he went away. But a decade is hardly yesterday.
I used to count the years as they went by, one year broken and nine to go, I can fix myself in time.
Two years broken, 8 years to go, i have time to fix myself.
At Five years broken, and five to go, I began to feel the panic. Oh my god, I’ve been broken now for five years, and i have five years til he turns 18, can I fix myself in time?
Then it flip flopped, and time was against me, I had more broken time, then time left to fix myself, and next thing I knew, forget it, I was there. Times up, and yup, i’m still broken. Damn, I hope he understands why, when we meet again.
Of course I’m broken, I’m a mother whose child was taken, who lost ten years. Hell yeah I’m broken, I love my children more than words can say, losing him was the only thing greater than my love – the pain of it. It destroyed every part of me, so now that its time, I admit im a little self-conscious, unsure, afraid, and nervous. I want to be perfect for him. I want to give him the world that was taken away. I want him to love me like I love him. I want to know I’m top priority to him, like he is to me, tho I know that’s probably not going to be the case. He’s a teenager, how much can i really expect?
We will see I guess. We will see.
I know as much as possible about him, watching him grow up on the internet – silently keeping up with his life… the best i could. Usually, I’d find out his milestones just after they occured.
There are so many things I want to do with him, for him, and so much I want to ask him, but am afraid to.I want to stare at him, reconcile the boy and the man into one. Understand why this is how it happened. I want to wrap him in a maternal cocoon that protects him like the emerging butterfly is protected during its transition … so now that I’ve gotten to his 18th birthday, and we are again free to love each other, talk, and be in each others’ lives, I’m terrified something might happen to take him from me again. I could not survive losing him again. By the way my luck’s been I wonder if I need to sneak some training wheels on his motorcycle, and sabotage the motor, so he has to walk it home, disappointed, but safe. LOL
I won’t do that, promise young man, but i will insist on safety classes, even if you’ve already taken them, you can’t get too much education on motorcycle safety, and its love that makes me protective. don’t hate me for it, just realize, its love.
lets get ya a set of really cool roller blades instead, eh? or another, um… race car…?
Don’t speed, don’t go skydiving, at least not with out me, I may be terrified but I’d jump with you, son, because getting you back in my life, is everything I’ve lived for now, for ten years, and with the help of your sisters’ love, and devotion to me, against the hate surrounding you, she pulled me through to this day. So yeah, even tho i see no good reason to leap out of a perfectly good plane…. there’s very little i wouldn’t do with you, just to be with you. again.
I am truly blessed. Happy birthday my son. my young man. I can’t wait for our life together. Don’t be afraid, and remember it may feel weird at first, but there’s nothing love can not overcome. and I do love you so much I love you more than the stars and the moon and the miles that are between us and the heavens – the light-years have nothing on my love for you.
I love you more than the blades of grass on the earth, and i love you more than the universe itself, and the milky way galaxy, and Andromeda galaxy, and all the other galaxies cannot compare to my love for you… my love is so huge the galaxies would get lost in it.
Most of all, my love for is so ginormous that it is much more huge, larger than life, and especially, the dying alienation and hatred that is unnaturally spewed my way from my own woman who gave birth to me, she is no mother-figure to me, but her rage that she carries will soon become a faded voice behind the shouts of joy as our time apart becomes a memory. she is done with her share of your life. Its my turn. Its our turn.
I love you. Mama
note: comments are encouraged, as i know we have alot to face and overcome after ten years apart… anyone?